28.03.2020

Someone very close to me had some very sad news yesterday. I will respect that person’s privacy by not saying anything about it here. To mine their pain for content would be crass, but I think recording my experience as it relates to this pandemic is worthwhile.

The worst thing is to know someone you care about is in real pain but not to be able to do anything about it. I might not see this person for months, in which time they’ll be in emotional agony (their particular history and circumstances make what would be a tragedy anyway unbearable), alone, apart from their immediate family – who also need support. I’m hoping there is NHS mental health provision for them, but I think that is probably gridlocked too. I wonder about asking for valium to help them sit this time out, but then turning to drugs to dull pain might be a bad idea. I don’t know, but I wish there is help.

Something was wrong a few days ago, what to do was a real conundrum. They’re high risk, so going to hospital seemed like it might be a bad idea. I offered to drive, but then I’d been around someone who potentially had the virus and the other person who could take them was also in a high risk group.  

It’s strange, sitting in my flat doing nothing seems like breaking a sacred code of friendship, but it also seems like the sensible thing to do. It’s all I can do. 

Things outside are getting dark. Yesterday was the largest amount of deaths in one day so far. 181 or something, Italy was around 1000, and we all know we’re headed there. The government communications strategy seems to be to pre-empt the horror that’s coming by blaming the public for not following their piss poor, confused advice. Which seems even more ridiculous now so many members of the government are getting sick, including Matt Hancock, the health secretary.

This morning a report came out saying Britain will only suffer 5,700 deaths if it follows the self isolating advice to the letter. It won’t, and they won’t so Boris and co will try and shirk accountability, well if you followed our advice etc. This is a trick similar to the one played by the American trade body that represents soft drink manufacturers in promoting the huge Keep America Beautiful recycling campaign that emphasized personal responsibility for recycling their trash. This allowed them to avoid responsibility for the ecological holocaust they created. We have a term for this now, greenwashing, I wonder if there’ll be one for what’s going on now. Reputation laundering maybe.

Meanwhile the sirens are still ringing. I live quite near a fire station, all the calls they respond to in one direction come past the end of my road. I’ve seen a lot more than normal, not sure why. The main feeling, and probably the thing that seems most frightening is that of being kept in the dark. I don’t believe what we’re being told, and there’s no way really to go out and see for yourself. One of those big chinook troop carrying helicopters flew over yesterday. Normally I’d ignore it, but the whoop whoop of the tandem rotary blades slashed like Stanley-knives through the sonic blanc canvas with violent portent – like the opening of this song.

But strangely life goes on. My other half (feels odd to describe her as my partner), is still working on a film for a huge brand boasting about their green credentials, despite half the board of the parent company not believing in climate change, and the film will probably never see the light of day. The treatment I wrote the other day for a director who was pitching to make a music video for a massive pop star won. They’re making the film. It’s hallucination themed, and I’ve read so much cosmic fiction I went to town on it. “We open on the physical plane commonly referred to as reality” etc. It’s animated so everyone can do it from home. The other half says all the animation studios will be rushed off their feet because live action shoots can’t happen, so I emailed round the few I’ve worked with to see if I can scrounge some writing work. Gotta make a buck.

Ditto for the dealers. A life threatening pandemic won’t stop their wheels of commerce. Walking the dog yesterday I saw a group of 12-15 gangsters (I’m not basing that assertion on the way they look, but the fact I’ve seen them selling drugs and engaging in horrific violence. Less than a month ago someone was beaten, stamped on and stabbed three times right in front of me), congregating outside the only chippy that was open. Some of them had masks, but had them pulled down, so I can’t see why they wore them apart from as a macabre fashion statement. A homeless woman with special needs walked past and one threw a chip at her. Unfortunately, statistically one of their mums, whom they all live with, despite their advanced years, will probably die as a result.

Death doesn’t seem to be stalking Shadwell yet, but when it comes, and it will, it’ll go door to door. I’m not being hysterical. During the swine flu out break in 2009, Shadwell, or Tower Hamlets had the highest rate of infection in London, which had the highest rate in Europe. The reason is people round here are packed in, often in unsanitary conditions because of the appalling deprivation and they spit, all the time. It’s one of the few places in the country were people still regularly contract tuberculosis. I caught swine flu and it was horrible. It was all I could do to ride my motorbike to a place they were giving out Tamiflu. I wouldn’t have made it by foot. Not looking forward to covid-19, but I’m doing my best to avoid it.

Shadwell’s always been that way, apparently the name comes from a corruption of an Old English form of Shit-Well because there was a polluted well here. There’s always been a lot of poverty here, and despite efforts to socially cleanse and gentrify the East End, its ghost still lingers.

This is supposed to a blog about delivering pizzas while the world ends, so I’ll up date you. As far as I know, the shop’s shut. I gave the scooter key to my dad to drop back there, and there was no one around apart from a rider from another store who happened to be passing. He said it’s not opening. I texted the group to say I’d be back working from Monday (by then seven days will have passed since the cougher came to work), but I didn’t get a reply. I have no idea what’s going on. I’m signing up for universal credit today and applying for more jobs,