10.04.2020

Last night a mouse and I shared a moment. A good ten seconds eye contact, a fleeting instant of mutual understanding. For an eternal moment we were one, the universe gazing back upon itself. Then the young chap scurried off and I went back to cursing the little fuckers. They’re all over the place at the moment. Doing my nut.

I dreamt I was hiding out from the American stazi, desperately planning an escape from the country while the noose tightened. More and more rats ran out from every corner, and from behind every piece of threadbare furniture in the hovel we cowered in. I think lockdown is taking its toll.

There’s not much to report on, aside from complaining about the thirty-year-old teenagers still congregating in the park, and last nights round of applause for key workers, during which, one neighbour yelled out the window, “what you all clappin’ for do?” To be honest, part of me enjoys the solitude and tedium, I’ve been getting a lot of reading and writing done, which I didn’t always find so easy. That’s what I want to talk about today, so if you’re looking for four horsemen specific content, skip to the next post, unless you include mental illness in pestilence.

There are a group of neurodevelopmental disorders, if you suffer from one of which, you are much more likely to another. These include dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, autistic spectrum disorder, attention deficit hyper activity disorder. These conditions all come under the umbrella term neurodiversity, which also includes things like Down’s Syndrome, Tourette’s Syndrome, and many others. I’m not sure if cerebral palsy is included, because that is not an issue with mental function, but motor control, although if dyspraxia is, it must be too. In many ways, each of these conditions come with wonderful gifts, but not for everyone, for many people it’s just pure struggle, but all of us find things difficult sometimes. And it’s not just because of our possibly misbalanced brain chemistry, or malfunctioning synapses that cause most of us to suffer badly with depression and anxiety, it’s also because we struggle to fit in with the world, and receive many negative messages from the outside world.

These conditions vary from a few quirks, to life destroying illnesses. Many people struggle with day to day life, while others can mostly get on fine. I grew up suffering from dyslexia, which still jumps up and bites me occasionally, but I mostly overcame it, what I didn’t know was that I also had ADHD, which effected me much more severely, especially because I didn’t know what it was and didn’t understand it.

There’s a bit of a fashion at the moment for platitudes like ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ (it’s not), or mental health awareness days, which actually change nothing. Openness is important, we need to leave the shameful stigma that surround conditions like autism (people used to believe it was caused by a cold mothering style, which it’s not), and dyslexia, people still say it doesn’t exist, it’s an excuse middle class people use for having stupid children, or that ADHD is actually just a lack of discipline. All these things are internalised to some degree by sufferers, even of things like depression, which stops people getting treatment, so there is some value in these days, but without real understanding, and access to help, they’re not much more than virtue signalling. These things can feel embarrassing, and I have no desire to claim someone else’s struggle, and I can’t speak for other people’s experience, but I wonder if it’s somehow similar to growing up gay. You know you’re different but maybe don’t quite understand why, or are unable to talk about it, or with me, was actually ashamed of.  

Imagine for example, you had a mental illness, maybe you didn’t realise, that caused you to be incredibly messy, careless, late, lack motivation, lack focus, have a poor working memory and paralysing executive function issues. You wouldn’t seem like a great prospect to an employer would you? Then think about how you’d think of yourself. Everyone else can do these simple things that you find so hard, what’s wrong with you, you probably just don’t try hard enough. Imagine interviewing for jobs with all that at the back of your mind. You might get the job, but you know it’s just a matter of time till they see what you’re really like and you’ll lose it. It’s hard to be yourself.

When actually there’s a biological reason, your brain just doesn’t function the way 98% of adult brains do. You suffer from a lack of neurotransmitters dopamine and norephedrine, which send signals around you brain, and make you actually do what you want to do, direct focus and motivation. You suspect you might not actually be stupid, but it often seems like it. Or that most unforgivable sin, just lazy.

Some people constantly seek hits of dopamine by twitching, acting silly, butting in conversations, acting impulsively, this is the most common conception of ADHD. For others the main issue is inattentiveness, they just live bereft of dopamine. That’s where I sit most of the time, and why my condition went unnoticed for so long. Often the outside world is like oil on the water of my brain. The society we’ve built is difficult for people with ADHD, modern consumer capitalism is pretty much built on dopamine triggers.

So you have a poor self image. On top of that, if your brain struggles to produce the right chemicals to get shit done, it will often struggle to produce chemicals that make you feel ok, like serotonin.

On top of that you have the childhood trauma of not being able to read and write when everyone else could. It’s hard. If you see yourself as an incompetent child, you'll see yourself as an incompetent adult, that feeling of failure follows you.

You feel like an outsider your whole life. Then you find out there’s a reason. People with ADHD’s brains develop slower than their peers. Until we’re about 25 years old, our brains two or three years behind. I still struggle socially, partly because I often can’t follow what’s going on, but also because I’ve developed a kind of shyness that comes off as aloof.

But the truth is, if you’re one of these neuro-atypical people, there’s nothing wrong with you, however it feels. It’s the world that’s wrong. In fact, studies of groups of hunting and gathering societies show men with ADHD are better nourished than their neurotypical peers. Imagine surviving in the wilderness, being easily distracted, constantly scanning the horizon, occasionally hyper-focusing, all these things are a fantastic benefit.

And dyslexia. I love writing, and consider myself very creative, I made a living off it for a long time, but I never considered myself a real writer, because real writers always talk about how they positively devoured books as children, just consumed them, they were voracious. Whereas I couldn’t read till I was eight or nine, after that I couldn’t focus enough to get through novels, they took me months. I used to sit in the school library and stare at the spooky covers of the Goosebumps, and Point Horror books, desperate to know went on inside. Instead of reading them I’d imagine it for myself. I did the same at the Waterstones near where I lived. After visiting my grandmother on Wednesday afternoon I’d go and look at the covers in the science fiction section, examining them all, thinking very carefully about which to get because I knew how hard they were to read. I had this feeling that if I just read the right book I would implicitly understand everything. Now I read almost compulsively. I think that time looking at pictures, imaging the wonders inside probably developed my creativity more than reading would have. 

If we didn't have autistic people around, we'd probably all still be gossiping in caves. People with Down's Syndrome are often wonderful, loving, empathetic, smart, creative and funny. And if you've struggled in life, I believe you become a kinder, more understanding person.

If your brain is unable to use the standard method of processing information, it comes up with new ones, which leads to original thinking and creativity. And my day dreams are far more interesting than the outside world and I see vivid connections where others see nothing. It’s a shame many of us have to medicate ourselves to fit in with our rigidly organised society. I wonder if in another time it wouldn’t have been a problem, I could have been a medicine man, a shaman, or watched guard at the city walls. I am excellent at staring into space.

But there were multiple humiliations. In year five I could barely read, so in our reading hour, I looked at a copy of Mad Magazine. I liked the pictures, they were funny, and the simple captions on the comic strips were manageable to me. But the teacher confiscated it. I think he was embarrassed by the picture of Alfred E. Newman photocopying his arse (but pictures of his face came out) on the cover. I was embarrassed because I wasn’t reading a real book.

My mum got be a book called The Gift of Dyslexia. Some ‘friend’ of mine was round and quipped, “notice it hasn’t been read. Huh huh haaa.” These things happened constantly, you should have seen my school reports. One year they were so bad, I hid them completely.

Then I got to sixth form college. I had a terrible time at school so I went to a different college. When I got there, I found out the lessons were all at odd times of the day. Not like school, when you go in the morning (which I often didn’t manage) then follow people to the right lesson and leave in the afternoon. No, at college you had to work it out yourself. I really struggled. Only ended up with around 50% attendance and was constantly threatened with getting kicked out. I was good at one subject though, business studies. I had the self awareness to know I wouldn’t be able to do the course work so I opted for an extra exam instead. Problem is, I missed the exam. I could have re sat it, but to do that would mean admitting that I cared which would have been too painful.

All this feeds into something called rejection sensitive dysphoria. That basically means we take rejection very badly, partly for neurological reasons, parts of our brains are under developed, but also psychological. ADHD and dyslexic people receive many, many more negative messages growing up than neurotypical people, which takes it’s toll. You believe what you’re told. You’re not good enough, you’re less than, you’re lazy, you should just try harder. This feeds in to form maladaptive coping strategies, you avoid tasks because they’re painful, you avoid speaking your mind because you can’t cope with the possibility of rejection, so you become shy, you isolate yourself because you worry people might find out how useless you really are. All these things feed back into your self image, which reinforces the beliefs which cause you to revert to these harmful coping strategies.

Most people grow out of ADHD, but not me. It’s been significant hindrance to my life.

As an adult, I suffer from something called poor executive function. All the things an exec of your life would handle. Working memory, self control (for me motivation and procrastination), and any task that has multiple steps. That means things like using photoshop, or even getting a form signed and sent off. I think I can write, because it’s just playing with ideas, and it’s just a thing you do, it’s one step, maybe two if you include editing. I find it very easy to hear the rhythm of the words, and put them together in a way that fizzes and pops. But anything that involves first you do this, then you do that, and I can’t cope. I get baffled. Now, a creative in an ad agency who can’t use photoshop, or even keynote, seems daft, at least it did to me. Being a copywriter didn’t feel like enough. I felt like I had no tangible skills. No one needs a writer on a project, they need the people that can make the things come to life. So I’ve ended up thinking, where can I actually do something useful, probably under estimated myself over and over again, and that’s why I ended up delivering pizzas. Better that than jail which is where a lot of people like me end up.

My life has been a series of crises, and recoveries. I fuck up badly, lose track of things, maybe lose a job, get in debt, go into a deep depression, before eventually dragging myself back up, getting a good job, pay off debts, I’m usually only just about square before the next crises hits. So it’s hard to make progress. The last year or so, aged 32, that cycle just got too much.

I doubted my own work. I did a lot of creative work that often good a really good reception. The problem once if I didn’t have one imminent, I was nothing. It was like an addiction, everything was ok, if there was a good goof coming out. This put undue pressure on people I worked with. On top of that I knew I’d lose interest in something very quickly, so I’d pressurise people to get shit done. It got difficult. I wondered why I even did it. I always said I tried to do well to prove people in my past wrong, but then I realised those people only existed in my head. I was holding myself up to impossible standards set by people who didn’t even exist. I was still being controlled by my insecurities so I gave it all up. Now I realise giving it all up is being controlled by insecurity even worse. I love doing creative work, it’s when I feel happiest, and I love writing. Now I need to find a way to do it in a healthy way.

So I saw a psych. Eventually. After years of attempting. Another foible, is I believed if you get help, then you need help, which means you’re not good enough as you are. I was determined to be good enough. I even doubted my dyslexia, because my diagnosis when I was a kid didn’t actually use that word. It said I had a ‘spelling specific learning difficulty.’ I told the psych and he said, that is dyslexia, maybe the school didn’t want the psychologist to use that word, because it had funding implications or something. Anyway, it took him about 20 minutes before he said “has anyone ever mentioned ADHD to you? Because you’ve got it.”

The day after I was diagnosed I forgot where my car was. And the boss at the pizza place called me mid evening asking why I wasn't at work. Usually I'd be really angry with myself, calling myself a fucking idiot over and over again, but that time I just went, meh, I've got ADHD. I struggle with things like this.

He put me on sertraline which is a selective serotonin uptake inhibitor, which means your brain leaves serotonin floating around. It takes a few weeks to work properly, but uses your own brain chemicals so you don’t actually get high. It felt odd at first, but you get used to it. The change was quick for me. I suddenly started noticing things like what a nice day it was, which I never would have before. Then he increased the dose, I’m on 150mg a day now, which I’m happy on.

Then, a couple of months later, when I’d settled into the sertraline, came the methylphenidate, otherwise known as Concerta, or Ritalin in America. I’ve been on it three days now. 18mg a day. It’s made a real difference. A few household jobs, that would have been agony before, like taping up all the holes where the mice might be coming in, were easy to achieve. I’ve written these 2700 odd words with total focus. Barely looked away once. I feel calmer but more alert. If this is how most people’s brains are, I can’t believe the head start they’ve had in life. When it wears off though, I feel very sluggish. It’s basically pharmaceutical speed, very similar to amphetamines. I’ll need to get the dose right, but I think it might really change things for me. I’m optimistic. I'm starting to think maybe I can write, maybe there's a university course I can do in something like journalism... 

Part of why I wanted to write this is because there is a lot of stigma around these medications, especially for Ritalin and Adderall, which the Netflix documentary Take Your Pills made it seem like we should be ashamed to take them.

But if you have ADHD, amphetamines aren’t just speed. They stimulate the part of your brain that produces the neurochemicals everyone needs to function. It’s not cheating, it’s not ‘doping.’ I can make things manageable that otherwise wouldn’t be. I just hope the pills don't eradicate the good side of my condition as well as the bad.

If you suspect you may have a neurodevelopmental disorder, ask for help. You can treat the issues that come with it and embrace the positive side. I am different, and I’m happy to be.

One last thing, while the term differently abled is useful, because it recognises the other skills and qualities but it's important we don't forget these difference are also disabilities. I wish I recognised I had a disability before, I would have been much more forgiving to myself. 

Stay healthy friends.